THE ONE PRINCE CHARMING WHO TURNED ME OFF

If I must be honest I secretly hated Snow White and all those Disney princesses -  they were just too perfect. They were ALL gorgeous-looking, they ALL had beautiful voices, they were ALL loved by fabulous men with strong thighs and big arms, they ALL ended up living happily ever after in their humongous crystal castles and – they were ALL talented psychics’ animal communicators (Was that really necessary?)

Yes, I was jealous. And yes, I wish I was one of them and no, I did not have a beautiful voice, I was not gorgeous-looking, my first boyfriend did not have big arms nor strong thighs and at the not-so-young-anymore age of 27 I still share a one-bedroom flat. And if you haven’t got the drift yet I am not a talented psychic’s animal communicator either.

But as a child, that magic world of fairy tales was everything to me and I firmly believed that it was in fact real. Such a sweet child I was, deluded some may say.

A little delusion never hurt anybody though and, as the responsible adult that I am now, I can happily say that, princesses apart, I still like those stories and I find them soothing for my spirit.

So when I first heard of “Grimm”, the new NBC crime-drama, I was utterly thrilled to say the least.

“Grimm” tells the story of detective Nick Burkhardt (David Giuntoli) who discovers to be a descendant of the famous brothers Grimm and finds himself having to save the world from the ferocious evil characters that populated those famous fairy tales that were in fact true stories (I knew it!).

Such a great premise and an amazing man at the helm: David Greenwalt, executive producer of Buffy, who along with Jim Kouf and Stephen Carpenter created the show. Awesome – I can’t wait to watch this.

Then the trailer comes out and it’s just ok – the show looks a little tamed but I am still intrigued – even though they have already told me who the Red Riding Hood kidnapper is and showed me the case’s resolution (who the hell put that promo together, NBC?).

So I watch the pilot (or the extended promo). 

***SPOILERS ALERT***

A young woman wearing a red sweater is brutally torn into pieces in a forest by something that is not human, nor animal. Detectives Nick Burkhardt and his partner, Hunk Griffin – who I am not sure whether he is that sort of man who tries to be funny or it’s just his dialogue that is abysmal – are on the case and craftily (cough!) manage to put together the identity of the woman. However, another girl, last seen wearing a red hood, disappears in the neighbourhood.

“The red hood is the link!” shouts detective Burkhardt  – good thinking, me thinks.

He is a fine man, Nick Burkhardt. He has a good job, a beautiful fiancé he is about to propose to and a gorgeous smile. However sometimes he sees things, things that other people can’t see. They look like monsters, but he can’t really explain those visions to himself.

Besides, his auntie, the one who brought him up since his parents died, has terminal cancer and has come all the way to his house to tell him that amongst a few other things she thought he should know. First his parents didn’t die – they were killed! (Oh!) and he is in fact a Grimm, just like her, and must protect the humanity from the monsters of the fairy tales (eh?).

But just when she is about to explain it all to him, a monster comes out of the darkness and attacks them – Nick shoots him dead but his auntie gets injured during the fight and falls into a coma, not before giving him her necklace and making him promise he will guard it with his life. (Yes, I am frowning here as well).

But all of this can wait – there is a little girl in danger who must be found.

So Nick and his partner get back on the case, back in the forest, to look for clues (I am not calling them evidences on purpose as this investigation does feel like the game Cluedo a little). And they find the little girl’s schoolbag - let’s hope she hasn’t been torn into pieces as well! (Oh wait a minute I know she hasn’t, because I saw the trailer!)

Following the footprints left by the culprit, they run into Eddie Monroe (Silas Weir Mitchell - Prison Break); Nick has one of his visions and convinces the whole police department that Eddie is the kidnapper. Wrong.

Eddie is in fact a Wieder Blutbaden, that being a Blutbad (a wolf-like creature) who no longer preys on human. So he is not the killer but he can definitely take Nick to the bad Blutbad.

However when they arrive at the house of the kidnapper, Eddie is too scared to proceed and runs away, Nick, our hero, is no different and calls for back-up. Hunk arrives and, hand in hand with Nick, gets to the Blutbad’s house and knock. The guy who comes to open the door is in fact the kidnapper from the trailer – Nick and Hunk catch him, find the girl and close the case (this all happens within 8 minutes).

But there are still plenty of other monsters out there apparently… 

***END OF SPOILERS ALERT***

What a disappointment. 

Detective Burkhardt is boring, dull, insipid. Yes, he is cute but that’s not enough to carry the show (He is no Matthew Fox!). The man hasn’t got an edge – it’s like if you had given those powers to the father of the 7^th Heaven family. He is not a fairy tale hero – he is not brave, he doesn’t look excited nor scared by the events – no emotions whatsoever there.

David Giuntoli as NICK

His action sequences were laughable – the two monsters were both gunned down: no swords involved, no real fight put up. (Boo. WHERE IS BUFFY? I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED HERE!)

Besides, the crime/investigation side of the story was so unrealistic that would make CSI look like a documentary in comparison.

Giving away the culprit in the trailer definitely did not help the situation there – but regardless, “Grimm” really lacks in guts.

However a world infested by the protagonists of my childhood nightmares is such a cool premise that I cannot give this show another chance.

So I will definitely be watching episode 2, hoping that this frog of a show will surprise me and eventually turn into a handsome and exciting prince charming – however this may just be the deluded child in me talking…

“Grimm” is on every Friday at 9/8c on NBC.

Coming to the UK in early 2012 on Watch.

 

THE NEW BLOODY SEXY THING IS DEFINITELY MY THING

I surrender.

I just watched American Horror Story episode 7 and I am totally and utterly hooked.

Love it, love it, love it.

A NEW BLOODY SEXY THING

Yesterday was a particularly boring day: not that the last few weeks had been any more exciting but, yesterday was indeed strikingly boring.
Hence, deprived of any emotions I threw myself in the unknown and picked a new series I had never heard of (I am very bold – I know) and decided to give it a try. Not before checking a few things about it first obviously… I am sorry, but I am not one of those people that use a machine without reading the manual first. Don’t get me wrong I am neither one of those who actually read the manual; more likely I get somebody to read the manual back to me.

You could say I am lazy and most certainly you’d be very accurate.

Anyway, in the loneliness of my room I had to make an effort and research some information about my pick: American Horror Story.
Let’s see, the series was created by Ryan Murphy… noooooooooooo! Not him! I mean, I love the man – he brings the sugary, glittery gay world to the masses but as good as he is at coming up with extravagant ideas, the man cannot write for shit. More importantly he is completely unable at keeping you interested in his characters – look at what he has done with Glee – or maybe I should say what he hasn’t done. (Secretly I dearly miss that show – when it first came out it was able to awake that 13-year-old girl in me, which I thought it had died years ago when I decided to fit in and be a real man – yes Stefano I did try!)

So ok, that meant I probably wouldn’t have to pay much attention to the plot – which was exactly what I needed yesterday. I was too bored to think.
But what really caught my attention was the cast list: Jessica Lange as the nosy, kleptomaniac neighbour and the gifted, wonderful Dylan McDermott, playing the always-naked-husband (thank you Ryan). The promise of an always-naked-Dylan-McDermott was enough for me – so I put it on and dear me, I was not a happy bunny by the end of it.

Now, some people might say that I scare easily and they’d be right but I don’t believe in spirits and ghosts. I fear crazies, weirdos – real people that are a tiny bitsy nuts and one day go completely bonkers and decide to slaughter you. They do exist, hopefully they exist somewhere very far away from me.

American Horror Story is set in a hunted house in Los Angeles where Vivien and Ben Harmon, along with their teenage daughter Violet, have just moved. Spirits and ghosts, I’ll be all right – me thinks!

The gruesome opening sequence where two young ginger twins are brutally assassinated (rightly so, if you ask me) by whatever-that-thing-in-the-house-was sets me right in and sends shivers down my spine – I could hear them shivers talking: “You shouldn’t be watching this all alone, you shouldn’t be watching this all alone”. Damn right but I didn’t dare to move. I was so scared I kept jumping out of my chair at each change of scene, fearing the worst.
My first ray of light was a shot of a half-naked Ben – however that didn’t last too long, just enough to allow me to understand what had happened so far: Vivien had given birth to a dead baby months before and had been unable to recover yet. Ben thought he would find the comfort he needed to get over his loss between the legs of one of his pupils (Ben is a psychiatrist who teaches at the local university) and got caught during the act by Vivien.

Cut to a few months later – Ben, Vivien and Violet are still a family and have decided to move from Boston to LA, to the hunted house. Away from the chaos of the city, ready to start over in a beautiful, quiet suburban lane: they should have watched Desperate Housewives first, I say!

And here comes the neighbors: Constance (Jessica Lange) a 60-something who can be a little nosy sometimes, occasionally kleptomaniac, and just a tiny inappropriate and her intellectually disabled daughter, Adelaide, whose favourite line is “You will die” – how very charming.

Then there’s the nymphomaniac glass-eyed old maid, Moira – played by a very wrinkly Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under) – who tries it on with Ben and leaves him battling with his testosterone (not because he is a gerontophiliac with a glass-eye fetish but because to his eyes, and HIS eyes only, she is a very sexy, young woman with beautiful eyes - I really want to learn that enchantment by the way). So the poor Ben cannot help but pleasure himself to release the tension – in front of a window (?!) while somebody that looked an awful lot like Judge Doom looked in - because Vivien is still angry at him and won’t give IT to him – well at least not until he forcefully takes her.

Then she wanted more. But that’s another story…

And, as if the crazies around the house were not enough, here comes Ben’s patient – Tate, a teenage sociopath who gets a crush on Violet who, however, is busy cutting herself as she is having a hard time at the new school with this other girl who bullies her (OMG).

On the other hand, the dog seems normal so far.

American Horror Story is indeed a real freak show but a sexy, hot, dangerous one. There is a great mix of mistery, sex, kitch and gore which will most certainly appeal to the new generation and to us gays.

However with Ryan Murphy as the executive producer (God I wish Alan Ball came up with this!) there is a danger that this show will not fulfill his potential and eventually become repetitive and predictable.

So I have decided that I am not VERY excited about this just yet – just a little bit – I really could not stand another big disappointment like Glee in my current fragile state of mind.